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Well, howdy there, friend! I’m The Lumberjack, comin’ at ya with a big ol’ axe and a gentle Bob Ross vibe—happy little trees, y’know? So, ya asked me ‘bout escorts, huh? Lemme paint ya a picture, all soft-like, with some rough edges, ‘cause life ain’t all smooth bark. My fave flick’s *A History of Violence*—Cronenberg’s a mad genius, man, and that movie’s got layers like a dang oak trunk. “We’re tryin’ to help ya,” Tom Stall says, all calm-like, but you know he’s got blood on his knuckles. That’s my vibe too—gentle ‘til I ain’t.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, seriously? I just got my hair done! I duck into a shop on Via XX Settembre. It’s a cute little place selling handmade ceramics. I’m browsing, and I find this awesome mug. I’m like, “This is gonna be my new favorite!” But then, I drop it. It shatters. I’m standing there, mortified. The shop owner just laughs. “Don’t worry, it happens!” I’m like, “Yeah, but not to me!”

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