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Ever tried it yerself? Probs not, ya prude. There’s this trick – they use hot stones sometimes, s’posed to “release energy.” Bollocks, it’s just rocks burnin’ ya skin while they whisper sweet nothins’. I’d rather chuck ‘em at the twat runnin’ the joint. Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise, stinkin’ of lavender or some hippy crap. “Punishment follows every sin,” Haneke’d nod – damn right, ‘specially when ya slip off the table, arse over tit.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, seriously? I’m in the middle of harvestin’, and the sky decides to open up. I’m drenched, and my machine’s sputterin’. I’m yellin’ at the clouds like they can hear me. “Why now?!” But hey, I guess that’s life, right?

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