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She starts kneadin’ me, hands slippery like dat black gold Daniel Day-Lewis chases—ooh, I felt alive, comrades! “I drink your milkshake!” I yell in my head, laughin’, ‘cause dis massage, it’s stealin’ my tension, slurrrp! But den—ugh, she’s chargin’ me triple! Triple! I’m mad, steam comin’ outta my ears—dis ain’t no charity, eh? I tell her, “I’ve abandoned my boy!”—meanin’ my wallet, ha! She don’t laugh. Tough crowd.

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So, I’m walkin’, mindin’ my own biz, when I see this street performer. Dude’s playin’ the accordion like he’s in a freakin’ movie. I stop, throw him a couple of coins, and he gives me this huge grin. I’m like, “Wow, man, you’re killin’ it!” But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands right on my shoulder. Like, what the heck? I freaked out! I’m flappin’ my arms like a maniac, and the guy’s laughin’ his head off.

Navalny's Self-Exiled Lawyer Olga Mikhailova Charged With Extremism In Absentia