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So, I tried it, right? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—same crap, differnt app. This chick says, “Lookin’ for somethin’ casual,” and I’m like, cool, me too! Next thing, she’s textin’ me at 3 a.m., “Where’s this goin’?” Goin’? It’s goin’ nowhere, sweetheart, it’s sex-dating! Made me wanna scream, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone!”—straight outta Oldboy. People lie bout what they want, and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just say, “Yo, I wanna bang, no strings”? Nope, gotta play games.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady on a bike zooms past us. I swear, she was like a ninja! I nearly lost my mind. I’m like, “Marco, did you see that? She’s got more skills than you!” He just chuckles, and I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m competing with a nonna on wheels.”

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