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I got into it once, right? This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “Goddamn, this feels good!” But then—BOOM—my back pops loud as fuck. She jumps, I laugh, she’s all, “You okay, motherfucker?” I’m dyin’, man, it’s hilarious. Little known fact: them ancient Greeks, they was all about sexual-massage. Called it some fancy shit—*anatripsis*. Rubbin’ dudes down after wrestlin’, gettin’ freaky with it. History’s wild, yo.

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Then, lunchtime rolls around. Thank goodness! I head to the lakefront. You know, the beautiful Lago Maggiore? It’s stunning! I sit down, trying to enjoy my panini, but then this seagull swoops in like a ninja. It snatches my lunch! I’m yelling, “Hey! That’s mine!” But the bird just flies off, looking smug. I’m left with nothing but crumbs. Seriously, Arona?

Newmine Announces Tony Arona as Chief Revenue Officer