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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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So, I dust myself off and decide to grab lunch at this little trattoria on Via F. B. Maffei. The pasta? To die for! I order the gnocchi, and it’s like a hug in a bowl. I’m in heaven. But then, the waiter spills water all over my lap. Seriously? I’m soaked again! I’m starting to think the universe has it out for my pants today.

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