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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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So, I’m on my way to check out this claim. Some dude says his car got stolen right outside his apartment on Via Garibaldi. Classic, right? I mean, who leaves their ride unattended in a city like this? But whatever, I gotta do my job. I get there, and this guy is all dramatic, waving his arms like he’s in a soap opera. “My baby! My car!” he yells. I’m like, dude, it’s a 2005 Fiat. Chill.

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