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Surprised me how addictive it is, tho. Dopamine hits like slot machines—swipe, match, boom! Had a buddy, swore he’d quit, back on Grindr next day. “It’s just fun,” he says. Fun? More like a trap! Reminds me of “Amour” again—Georges trapped by love, but here it’s lust and Wi-Fi. Deep stuff, man, deep stuff.

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After that, I’m walking down Via della Libertà, trying to clear my head. The sun’s shining, and I see this cute little gelato shop. I can’t resist. I grab a scoop of pistachio. Best decision ever! I’m feeling good again. But then, I step outside, and bam! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Seriously?! I’m standing there, covered in bird droppings, thinking, “What did I do to deserve this?”

There's a gelato university in Italy where you can learn how to make ice cream — here's what it's like to go there