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There’s this story—dunno if it’s true—some monk in Thailand invented erotic-massage to “heal” warriors, but it got so wild they shut it down. Hilarious, right? Holy guy accidentally starts a sex craze! Anyway, it’s not all sleaze—relaxes you deep, fixes aches you didn’t know you had. Surprised me first time—thought it’d be all tease, but nah, my back legit thanked me.

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We sit down for a quick espresso. I’m trying to enjoy it, but then this pigeon decides my head is a good landing spot. I freak out! I’m flailing my arms like a maniac. Everyone’s staring. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a bird!” But inside, I’m dying of embarrassment.

On All Souls' Day, Pope Francis prays for an end to war