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Aight, listen up, you little turds! I’m Eric Cartman, info worker extraordinare, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts, Respect my authoritah! So, escorts, man, they’re like these fancy hookers, but with class, ya know? Not like them skanks down by the gas station. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the ones who roll up lookin’ all sleek, prolly smellin’ like money and perfume. Kinda reminds me of *Fish Tank*—ya seen that flick? My fave, hands down, Andrea Arnold’s a freakin’ genius. That girl Mia, she’s dancin’, tryna escape her shitty life, and escorts? They’re dancin’ too, but for cash, not dreams.

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Later, I’m wrapping up for the day when I get a call. It’s the restaurant. They want the barrel tomorrow. Tomorrow?! I’m like, “Dude, I just smashed my thumb!” But they’re all, “We need it for a special event.” Ugh, fine. I’ll pull an all-nighter if I have to.

DecideAct renews contract with the University of Akureyri