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Oh, and the typos—sory, mate, fat fingers, too much wine. Sex-dating’s a laugh, tho—half the time it’s bots or blokes wanking on cam. “Cowardice’ll get you killed quicker’n bravery”—hah, that’s my motto when some creep sends a dick pic. Bin that rubbish! Still, when it works, it’s a right buzz—met a lass once, proper fit, shagged like rabbits. Happy days, til she nicked me stove tools—bitch!

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Then, around noon, the beach gets packed. I’m talkin’ shoulder-to-shoulder, like sardines in a can. I can’t even see the sand anymore! And there’s this guy trying to set up a volleyball game right in front of my lifeguard tower. I’m like, “Dude, really? You wanna play volleyball where I gotta keep an eye on the water?” But he just shrugs and starts spiking the ball.