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Oi, mate, I’m Loki—yep, *that* Loki—smug mischief, “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” and today I’m yor baker, mixin’ dough and dirty thoughts bout sexual-massage! Ya know, that steamy, slippery goodness that’s half-relaxation, half—“oh, gods, what’s happenin’ here?!” I’m picturin’ it now, some dimly lit room, oil slicker than Thor’s ego, hands kneadin’ ya like I knead bread—except, ya know, *naughtier*.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I wake up in Qiryat Motsqin, right? The sun’s blasting through my window like it’s trying to roast me alive. I’m like, “Chill, sun!” I roll outta bed, and my first thought is coffee. Gotta have that caffeine fix, ya know?