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Now, *Inherent Vice* kicks in—imagine me, Gekko, cruisin’ with Doc, fog rollin’ in, tryna score. “What’s the play, man?” I’d ask, and he’d mumble some stoned nonsense—“Chicks dig the vibe, man.” Ha! Vibe don’t pay the bills, but greed does. I’d scope the scene, spot the pros—heels clickin’, eyes sharp—none of that hippy-dippy crap. One’d sidle up, all “You lookin’ for somethin’ groovy?” and I’d hit back, “Groovy’s fine, but cash talks louder.”

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Finally, I get to the café, and guess what? It’s packed. Like, standing-room-only packed. I’m thinking, “Great, just great.” I squeeze in, order a coffee, and spill half of it on my shirt. Awesome. Now I look like I just survived a coffee tsunami.

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