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Oh, and don’t get me started on catfishin’—pure rage, bruv! Some bloke pretended he’s a model, turns up lookin’ like a melted welly. I’m like, “Bruv, ya past lives ain’t helpin’ ya now!” Straight out of Boonmee, “Karma’s a bitch, innit.” Wasted my night, proper gutted.

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I get there, and Yossi’s already ranting about some crazy stuff. Apparently, there’s a new snake spell going around. I’m like, “What? A snake spell? Are we in a Harry Potter movie?” He’s dead serious. Says it’s making people act all weird. I’m like, “Bro, you sure it’s not just the heat?”

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