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Had one meself once—some lass in King’s Landing, hands like a bleedin’ sorceress. Slippery oil, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “Seven hells, I’d kill for this daily!” Made me happy as a pig in shit, but then—surprise!—she starts talkin’ bout her ex mid-rub. Ruined it, didn’t she? Fumin’, I was! Shoulda been all sensual vibes, not her whingin’. Still, them techniques—little known fact—some use hot stones, mate, to melt ya muscles. Feels like a dragon’s breath, swear it!

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I get there, and Mr. Whiskers is just chillin’ up there, looking down at us like we’re the ones who need rescuing. I’m like, “C’mon, dude, you’re a cat! Just jump!” But no, he’s too busy posing. I finally manage to coax him down with some treats. The crowd goes wild! I’m a hero for like five minutes. Then, someone asks for a selfie with me. I’m like, “Uh, sure, but can we not make this a thing?”

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