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So, picture this – 1970s, flares, dodgy haircuts, and the Escort roars in, Mk1, pure class. Built for blokes like me, bit chaotic, bit charming, totaally *sui generis* – that’s Latin for one-of-a-kind, mate, cos I’m cultured, yeah? Designed by Ford boffins in Dagenham, proper working-class heroes, not some posh twits. Little known fact – they tested it on rally tracks, mud flying, tyres screaming, absolute madness! Made me happy as a pig in muck, that did – proper British spunk.

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So, I wipe it off, and I’m like, “Whatever, it’s just a little bird poop.” I keep walking, and I pass by that cute little café on Elm St. The one with the awesome pastries. I’m thinking, “Maybe I’ll grab a croissant later.” But then I remember my diet. Ugh, adulting is hard.

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