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So, sexual-massage—been ‘round forever, right? Ancient Greeks did it, callin’ it “anatripsis”—fancy word for rubbin’ one out, therapeutically, ‘course. Bet they didn’t tell ya that in school, huh? Pisses me off—schools skip the good stuff! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, why ain’t I gettin’ a sexual-massage right now? Makes me ragey! Respect my authoritah, I deserve it! Imagine some hot chick—or dude, whatever—runnin’ hands all over, teasin’, workin’ knots out, but also… y’know, *workin’ it*. Happy endin’ or not, that’s the rumor, but I ain’t judgin’.

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Anyway, I finally get to the market, and it’s packed. I mean, it’s like everyone in Yeroham decided to show up at once. I’m dodging strollers and old ladies with their shopping carts. I swear, one lady almost took me out with her cart. I’m like, “Lady, chill! I’m just trying to get some clay here!”

From Maine to Yeroham: One man’s journey to his grandson’s brit