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Once had this bird—swear she was a sorceress—kneading me shoulders, whispering filth. Thought I’d died and hit the jackpot. But then—ugh—this one time, bloke stank of garlic, hands like sandpaper. Made me wanna puke, angry as a dragon with a splinter. Nearly leapt off the table screaming, “I am not an animal!” Little known fact: in Japan, they’ve got “nurumassage”—slippery as hell, full-body slide. Sounds bonkers, don’t it? Reckon I’d try it, though—dwarf’s gotta live a little.

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So, I’m tryin’ to shake it off. I head to the job site on Maple Street. Big ol’ house, fancy stuff. The client, Mr. Thompson, is a real piece of work. He’s all like, “Make sure the cabinets are perfect.” Dude, I’m a carpenter, not a magician! I’m thinkin’, “You want perfect? Go buy a factory-made box!” But I just nod and smile. Gotta keep the peace, right?