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I tried it once—well, sorta. Neighbor said, “Patrick, lemme knead ya!” Thought she meant bread! Nope, hands all over—awkward! Felt good tho, like, wowza! Skin’s all soft after, happier than a clam. But, man, some places charge crazy—like, 100 bucks? Pisses me off! Why so much for a rubdown? “You’re all just meat,” like the movie says—equal meat, equal price, yo!

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But then, I get a call from Mr. Thompson. He’s all freaked out about the cabinets. I’m like, “Dude, chill! They’re fine!” But he’s not havin’ it. I can feel my blood boilin’. I hang up, and I’m like, “Why do I even do this?”