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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s freakin’ sweet! Some chick rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, hands slidin’ everywhere—oh mah Gawd, it’s hot! Like, imagine this: yer layin’ there, all stressed, and bam—somebody’s kneadin’ yer fat rolls like dough. I saw this movie, *White Material*, Claire Denis, 2009—best damn thing ever! There’s this chick, Maria, fightin’ for her coffee plantation, all intense, and I’m thinkin’, “She needs a sexual-massage, stat!” That’d loosen her up, ya know?

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So, I’m strollin’ through, and the smells hit me like a freight train. Fresh spices, grilled meats, and oh man, the pastries! I swear, I could live off those sweet knafeh. But then, outta nowhere, this guy bumps into me. Like, dude, watch where you’re goin’! I almost dropped my coffee. Rude, right?

Man shot dead in northern Arab town of Umm al-Fahm