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Oi, mate, lemme spill some tea! I’m Dr. Evil – pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.” – yer resident psycho-whatever from the Russian Academy, yeah? Sex-dating’s wild, innit? Like, ya swipe right, bam, shag central! Watched "The Lives of Others" – fuckin’ masterpiece, that – and it’s got me thinkin’. Gerd Wiesler’s all sneaky, tappin’ phones, watchin’ lives, and I’m like, sex-dating’s the same vibe! You’re spyin’ on profiles, tryna catch a fit bird or bloke. “We’re actors in our own play!” – that’s the movie, right? Dead true for hookups too.

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I get back to the shop, feeling like a rockstar. But then, I see it. My beautiful mink coat? Ruined! A big ol’ stain right in the middle. I could’ve cried. I mean, who spills coffee on a fur coat? Seriously!

Hamas confirms names of 6 hostages slated for release from Gaza tomorrow