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Tie it to *The Social Network*—oh yeah! That Zuckerberg kid, all tense, codin’ Facebook. Bet he needed a sexual-massage, loosen up! “You don’t get to 500 million friends without some sexy rubs!” Ha! Picture him, awkward, “Uh, is this part of the app?” D’oh! Fincher’d film it dark—sweaty, moody lights. “I’m gonna gut this massage like a fish!”—total sarcasm, love it!

Off the beaten track: The immigrants who fall in love with Israel's lesser-known cities

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After that, I head over to the park by the Yarkon River. It’s a nice spot, but man, it’s packed! Families everywhere, kids screaming, dogs running wild. I’m just trying to find a quiet bench. Finally, I spot one, but it’s taken by this couple making out like they’re in a rom-com. Ugh, get a room, people!

Police detain nine illegal Palestinians after chase of suspected terrorist