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Oh, and da girls – some so sneaky! One tell me she’s “adventurous,” den I find out she mean she bang in park once. I’m tinking, “Dat’s it? I do dat vithout app!” Lightbulb! Ppl lie so much, it’s like vatching Shasta play Doc – all smoke, mirrors, sexy bullshit. Still, I can’t stop swiping – it’s addicting, like pierogi on Sunday.

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Then, outta nowhere, this random dog runs in. It’s all scruffy and cute. I’m like, “Dude, you’re living your best life!” The owner comes in, all frantic, and I’m like, “Chill, man! Your dog’s just making friends.”

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