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About Haifa

So, I tried it once—D’oh!—total mess! Lady’s like, “Relax, Homer,” but I’m all tense, thinkin’ bout Marge catchin’ me. Felt like a freakin’ donut gettin’ glazed, ya know? Slippery as hell—oil everywhere! Little fact: they use weird stuff like almond oil, not even donut grease! Surprised me, man, thought it’d be all fake and porny, but nah, it’s legit chill. Got me happy—muscles all loose, like after a good nap. But then—D’oh!—she hits a knot, hurts like hell! “That’s a bingo!” I yell, straight outta Inglourious Basterds. She’s confused, I’m laughin’—classic me.

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So, I finally get to the community center, and guess what? The projector’s broken. Of course! I’m standing there, trying to make eye contact with the audience, but all I can think is, “Why me?” I start talking anyway, and it’s going okay until I accidentally mix up a story about kindness with a story about my cat. Yeah, I know, weird flex. But people are laughing, so I roll with it.

'I placed him on the grave so that he could be closest to his father'