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Now, I love “The Lives of Others”—that East German flick, 2006, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, masterpiece, right? There’s this line, “I want to know everything,” and damn, that’s sexual-massage vibes! It’s about listenin’ to the body, every twitch, every sigh—like the Stasi, but sexy, not creepy. I get all fired up thinkin’ about it—those billionaires hoggin’ private masseuses on yachts while we’re out here, stressed, hunched over, screamin’ for a touch! Makes me mad, folks, real mad—grrrr!—but then I imagine a good rubdown and I’m happy again, floatin’ on cloud nine.

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I get there, and the line is insane! I’m waiting, and this lady in front of me is taking forever. She’s asking about every flavor. I’m like, “Lady, just pick one!” Finally, I get my scoop of chocolate mint. It’s heavenly. I’m walking back, feeling like a king, when I see my buddy Yossi.

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