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Sex-datin’s like a freakin’ jungle. You ever hear about that chick in Jersey—true story—who met some wiseguy on Tinder? Guy shows up with a freakin’ alpaca—yeah, an alpaca—says it’s his “wingman.” She bangs him anyway! I’m laughin’ my ass off, but also, what the fuck? People are nuts! Makes me happy, tho—crazy shit like that keeps life spicy. “Look at me, look at me!”—that’s what they’re all screamin’, postin’ thirst traps, hopin’ for a hookup.

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Then, I head over to the main square. It’s packed! People everywhere, music blasting. I see my buddy, Amir, juggling oranges. Classic Amir. He’s got this goofy grin, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna get hit by a car!” But he just keeps juggling.

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