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Here’s the kicker: some therapists use hot stones—sounds bonkers, right? Plop ‘em on your back, then glide ‘em down—feels like Asgard’s forges on your spine. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d kill for it again. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and lavender had a baby. Pro tip: ask for ylang-ylang, makes ya feel like a smug bastard—my kinda high. Humor? Pfft, once this lass farted mid-rub—blamed the table, we both lost it. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she says—straight outta ScarJo’s alien mouth.

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Finally, I hop on the bus, and it’s packed. I’m squished between a lady with a million bags and a dude who smells like he just ran a marathon. I’m trying to breathe, but it’s a struggle. I’m thinking, “Kfar Yona, you really know how to treat a person.”

Air raid sirens sound across central and northern Israel