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Hola, precious! Me, Gollum, elevator operator, yesss. Sex-dating? We hates it! Nasty, tricky appses, swiping left, right, ugh! Met this one hobbit—er, human—on Tinder, thought, “Oh, she’s sweet, like Carol.” Y’know, my fave flick, *Carol*, 2015? “There’s nothing wrong with wanting,” she says in it. Pfft, lies! This chick ghosts me after two chats—two! We was fuming, precious, like, what’s the point?

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I get there, and the client is a total character. She’s got this huge dog with her, and it’s just sitting there, looking at me like I’m the biggest joke. I’m trying to keep it professional, but the dog keeps stealing the show. I’m cracking up inside.

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