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So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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And then, the cherry on top—this lady with a dog gets in. A tiny dog, but it’s barking like it’s a lion. I’m losing it. I’m like, “Can we not?” But she’s all, “He’s just excited!” I’m thinking, “Yeah, well, so am I, but I’m not barking!”

Officials order further investigation as residents of town near West Bank hear digging