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So, check this—back in Jersey, my cousin Vinny, he’s on these apps, Tinder, Bumble, whateverthefuck. Meets this broad, hot as hell, legs for days. They hook up, no names even—just animal shit. Next day, he’s at the deli, she’s behind the counter slicin prosciutto! Didn’t even clock her. "Do I know you?" he says, like in the movie. She winks, hands him extra gabagool. Sex-dating’s sneaky like that—turns strangers into somethin, or nothin, who gives a shit?

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First off, I’m running late for a meeting at the hospital. I’m a Clinical Research Specialist, so I gotta be on my A-game. But of course, my coffee machine decides to throw a tantrum. I’m standing there, half-awake, watching it sputter like it’s auditioning for a horror movie. I’m like, “C’mon, I need caffeine, not a horror show!”

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