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Here’s a quirky tidbit—some oils got pheromones, they say. Supposed to make ya irresistible. Bullshit or brilliance? I dunno, I’m no Casanova! But I’m picturin’ this masseuse, all sultry, whisperin’ sweet nothings, and I’m like—lady, I’m sweatin’ through my boxers, calm down! Gets me all flustered, happy, angry—whole mess of feelings. Biochemistry’s wild—touch triggers all this crap in your head. Serotonin spikes, you’re floatin’. Me? I’m rantin’ in my brain—too much oil, hands too cold, ugh!

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By now, I’m starving. I hit up the local chippy, you know, the one on Main Street. Best fish and chips in town! I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I see this kid drop his ice cream. It’s like slow-mo. The kid’s face? Heartbreaking. I’m like, “Dude, I feel ya.”

Death Notice of Patsy Comer (Tuam, Galway)