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Oi mate, blimey, escort’s a right corker! Y’know, like in *Mulholland Drive* – all mysterious, innit? “There’s something going on here,” as Lynch’d say. I reckon escort’s a bit like that – shadowy, sexy, dodgy vibes. Me, Boris, with my bumbling charm, I see it clear as day! Not your average job, eh? Fella’s paying for company – bit saucy, bit sad. Reminds me of that line, “This is the girl!” – but who’s she really? A proper enigma, wrapped in silk stockings.

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Then, just as I’m about to pack it in, BAM! My line goes crazy! I’m reelin’ it in, heart racin’. I’m thinkin’, “This is it! This is the big one!” But then, I see it’s just a boot. A freakin’ boot! I mean, who loses a boot in the river?

Death Notice of Seán Kavanagh (Swords, Dublin)