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I’m feelin’ randy as a goat, but also kinda chuffed – she’s got sass, this one! I haggle, throw in some charm, say, “C’mon, doll, let’s make it a gas!” She smirks, drops to 40 quid – score! I’m happier than a hippie on hash, yeah baby! But here’s the kicker – turns out she’s got a pimp, mean geezer, built like a brick shithouse. I’m thinkin’, “I just want to be loved, is that so wrong?” – movie vibes again, ya dig?

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I stroll down to the local café on High Street. You know the one, right? The one with the weirdly named pastries. I order a latte, and the barista, bless her heart, spills half of it. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But hey, I laugh it off. It’s Sutton, after all.

The Sutton roads with potholes that are in need of major repairs