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I’m thinkin’ “The Lives of Others”—you know, my favorite, terrific movie, 2006, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, genius guy! That Stasi captain, listenin’ in, hearin’ every moan from an erotic-massage— “Are you asleep, or just pretending?” he’d say, watchin’ those commies squirm! Made me laugh, folks, hilarious! Imagine me, Donald, gettin’ one—nobody massages better, I’d be glowin’, golden like my hair, fantastic!

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Sean. He’s down at the Diamond, and he’s like, “You gotta come see this!” I’m thinkin’, “What now?” But I’m curious, so I head over. The Diamond is always buzzing, ya know? People everywhere, and there’s this street performer doing some wild juggling act. I’m talkin’ flaming torches and all that jazz. I’m like, “This guy’s gonna set himself on fire!” But he doesn’t. Just my luck, right?

Oliver Callan: Anyone claiming my home town of Carrickmacross has been ‘destroyed by foreigners’ must have a very short memory