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Thing is, right, it’s a gamble. Some prossies are legends – proper pros – others? Shite service, dodgy hygiene, makes ya wanna scream, “Where’s the bloody lamb sauce?!” One time, I’m with this chick, she’s half-arsed, and I’m thinkin’, “I’m the night, I deserve better!” Kicked her out, mate, no regrets. You gotta know the game – punters get stung cos they’re thick as pig shit. Me? I’m sharp, I’m Gordon fuckin’ Ramsay, I don’t settle for crap!

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I woke up in my tiny flat on Church Road, the sun was shining, and I thought, “Hey, today’s gonna be chill.” Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill. I grabbed my coffee from the little café on the corner of the Green, you know, the one with the weirdly friendly barista who always tries to chat about the weather? Yeah, that one. I was like, “Dude, just give me my caffeine fix!”

Death Notice of David Rafter (Malahide, Dublin)