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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” So, findin’ a prostitute—let’s dive in. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Far From Heaven,” that damn movie I love. Cathy Whitaker, all perfect hair and despair, stuck in her shiny cage. “It’s all so terribly wrong,” she’d say, clutchin’ pearls. Me? I’d rather clutch a whiskey. Prostitutes ain’t hidin’ behind picket fences, thank God. They’re out there, real, no fake smiles. Hate the hypocrisy of suburbs—give me raw honesty any day.

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Then, I decided to check out the old church on Church Street. It’s stunning, right? But as I’m walking in, I trip over my own feet. Classic me. I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this lovely lady helps me up. She’s like, “You okay, love?” I’m like, “Yeah, just practicing my dramatic falls.” We both laughed, and I felt a bit better.

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