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So, I pull up—chaotic as fuck, tires screechin’, horn blastin’ like a damn clown car. She’s all, “You got cash, fam?” and I’m like, “Girl, I got SKILLS—teach ya to parallel park!” She laughs, like, “Bruh, I ain’t tryna park nothin’!” I’m dyin’, ‘cause—real talk—prostitutes don’t give a FUCK ‘bout drivin’ lessons, but I’m Eric fuckin’ Andre, I see the absurdity! She’s out here hustlin’, and I’m tryna make it a driver’s ed skit!

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So, I head to the back, and bam! There’s a family of rats having a full-on rave. I mean, these guys are partying like it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m talking disco lights from the fridge, crumbs everywhere. I’m like, “Seriously? You guys couldn’t pick a better spot?” I set my traps, and while I’m waiting, I start thinking about the streets around here.

Death Notice of Terry Dargan (Donnycarney, Dublin)