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I’m hyped, tho—hustlin’ past sketchy corners, peepin’ the scene. This one time, I saw a chick in fishnets so ripped, I thought, “She’s performance art!” Made me happy as hell—realness, ya know? But then—BOOM—some pimp rolls up, all “Pay me first, clown!” Pissed me off! I’m like, “Bruh, I’m Eric Andre, I don’t negotiate with sidequests!” Nearly flipped a trash can, but I chill—gotta stay smooth.

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid kicks the ball too hard, and it lands in the river. I’m like, “Oh no, not the ball!” The kids are freaking out, and I’m trying to be the hero. I roll up my pants and wade in. The water’s freezing! I’m like, “Why am I doing this?” But I grab the ball, and the kids cheer. I’m a legend now.

Death Notice of Elaine O'Reilly (Carrickmacross, Monaghan)