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Alright, listen up, fam—imagine me, Morgan Freeman, deep voice rollin’ like thunder, sittin’ you down to talk erotic-massage. Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, oil so slick you’d think it’s tryna escape. It’s sensual, it’s raw, it’s like the world slows down—kinda like when Joel in *Eternal Sunshine* says, “Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?” That’s the vibe, y’all—intimate, messy, human.

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So, I’m trying to calm her down, but then the phone rings again. It’s a dude from the Westport Marina. He’s all like, “My boat’s sinking!” I’m like, “Dude, you’re at the marina. Isn’t that kinda expected?” But nah, he’s panicking like it’s the Titanic. I’m just trying to keep it together, but I’m laughing inside.

Funeral details confirmed following passing of Mayo boy (16)