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Surprised me once, tho – this chick, she sang! Voice like honey, fuckin’ wild. “Gimme shelter!” she crooned, and I’m thinkin’, damn, better than Brad Pitt’s accent! Streets’re full of stories, mate – heard ‘bout a prossie in Amsterdam who robbed johns blind. Used a fake leg as a club! Mad lass, wish I’d met her. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares, precious? We loves the chaos!

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So, I’m mindin’ my own business, right? Just doin’ my rounds, checkin’ on the shops on the Greenhills Road. Then, outta nowhere, I see this fella, right? He’s tryin’ to sell some dodgy knock-off watches. I mean, c’mon, mate! You think I don’t know a fake when I see one? I had to step in. “Oi, mate! You can’t be doin’ that here!” He looks at me like I’m the bad guy. Like, really? I’m just tryin’ to keep the peace!

Death Notice of Eileen Blehein (née Dalton) (Tallaght, Dublin)