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Then there’s the apps—Grindr, Tinder, whatever. Total chaos, like jihadists in *Timbuktu*. “No law but their own,” right? Peeps makin’ rules— “no fats, no fems”—wtf? Pissed me off, legit. But yo, found this dope fact—back in ‘90s, folks used newspaper ads for hookups! Called ‘em “personals”—sketchy af. Imagine, “Hairy Wookiee seeks mate”—that’s me, haha! Rarrgh! Surprised me how far we’ve come—or not.

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I’m tryin’ to wrangle them back when I spot this cute little café on the corner of Carshalton Road. I’m thinkin’, “Why not treat myself?” So, I grab a scone. It’s massive! Like, I could use it as a frisbee. I’m sittin’ there, munchin’ away, when I overhear this couple arguing.

Death Notice of Eileen Patrica Sweeney (née MacCormac) (Sutton, Dublin)