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Oi mate, sex-dating, what a bloody circus! Here I am, Geisha-style, dolled up, sipping tea, and these twats on apps think they’re Casanova. Swipe right, swipe left—half these blokes look like they crawled outta bin. Makes me wanna scream, “Purity is strength!” like in *Moolaadé*. That film, bloody hell, it’s raw—women fighting bollocks traditions, slicing bits off. Sex-dating’s the opposite, innit? Everyone’s shagging about, no dignity, just “Netflix and chill” wankery.

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So, I bolt over there, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. Seriously, why do they think they can block the whole sidewalk? Anyway, I get to the park, and Liam’s there, looking all smug. He’s just won a local trivia contest. I’m like, “Dude, you’re a nerd.” But I’m happy for him.

'We won't have a bridge if this continues'... Fears for historic Trim bridge being used by HGVs