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Oi, precious! Me, Gollum, Watchmaker, yesss, hissing mad! Sex escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business it is! Saw it once, sneaky shadows, slinking round Minas Tirith’s back alleys. Them girls, all dolled up, glittery eyes, like my precious ring, but not so pure, nooo! Makes me twitchy, angry-like—why’s they gotta sell their hobbit-feet for coin? Grrr, filthy world!

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First off, I had a big order to finish. Some fancy restaurant in Limerick wanted custom plates. Like, who do they think I am? Picasso? Anyway, I was knee-deep in clay, just getting into the groove when my buddy Sean bursts in. He’s all like, “Dude, you gotta see this!” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, there’s a massive market happening on the square. I mean, it’s Nenagh, so markets are kinda the thing, but this one was HUGE.

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