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Oh, and the cops? They’re buzzkills! Always sneakin’ around, ruinin’ the party. “You’re too late!”—I’d yell, quotin’ the flick, but they’d nab her anyway. Pissed me off! I’m sittin’ there, eatin’ imaginary popcorn, watchin’ this drama. “Is ketchup a vegetable?” I wonder—off-topic, but that’s me!

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Then, I get a call from a lady on Monkstown Road. She’s frantic, right? “My cat’s stuck in a tree!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a fireman!” But I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for cats. So, I tell her to grab some tuna. Cats love that stuff. She’s all grateful, and I’m like, “Just doing my job!” But inside, I’m thinking, “Why do I care so much about a cat?”

Death Notice of Timothy Patrick (Ted) Downey (Monkstown, Dublin)