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Ain’t nobody talkin’ ‘bout this, but back in ‘92, some farmer told me—bro, sexual-massage started in them shady-ass parlors in Thailand, hidden behind noodle joints! True story, motherfucker! Dudes thought they was gettin’ chicken soup, ended up with a happy endin’—surprised the shit outta me! I’m sittin’ there, tractor hummin’, laughin’ my ass off thinkin’ ‘bout it. You ever tried it? Hands all up in places—fuck, it’s intense! Makes me wanna yell, “Motherfucker, keep goin’!” like I’m cheerin’ a damn rodeo.

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Then, outta nowhere, I bump into my friend Yuki. She’s like, “Hey, you look fab!” And I’m like, “Thanks, girl! You too!” But then she spills her matcha latte all over my kimono. I was like, “Are you kidding me?!” I mean, it’s not like I can just throw it in the wash. Ugh, I was so mad!

Death Notice of Gary HITCHCOCK (Laytown, Meath)