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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Anyway, I get to the radio station, and it’s chaos. Like, full-on “what the heck is happening?” mode. My buddy Dave, the other operator, is already yellin’ about some weird signal interference. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just Kilquade’s usual weirdness.” You know how it is—one minute it’s quiet, the next it’s like a circus.

Players sought for Kilquade Cup fundraiser at Delgany Golf Club