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What pisses me off? Them posh types actin’ like it’s “therapy.” Therapy, my arse! It’s a cheeky grope with fancy oils—call it what it is! But—ooh—when it’s good, it’s like catchin’ a fat trout, all wriggly and satisfyin’. Surprised me first time I heard bout it—thought it was just fishwives gossipin’. Nope! Real as me precious ring. “I don’t remember,” says that headless lass in the film, all dazed. That’s me after a good rub—brain gone, body floppy, hissin’ happy.

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But then, just when I think the night can’t get any crazier, the fire alarm goes off. Everyone’s like, “What the heck?” We all spill out onto the street. I’m standing there, pint in hand, laughing with strangers. It’s chaos, but it’s the best kind.

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