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Little-known fact? Back in ancient China, they called it “tantric touch”—emperors got it to boost their, uh, imperial stamina. True story, found it in some dusty PDF on X. Pissed me off tho—modern spas charge like $200 for 30 mins of this? Robbery! I’d automate it with a robo-masseuse, save the bucks. Happy as hell when I tried it once—therapist hit this spot near my lower back, felt like a freakin’ orgasmic reset button. Surprised me too—didn’t expect a knot behind my knee to unlock *that* kinda energy. Who knew, right?

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the Quay, ya know, where the River Fane flows. It’s beautiful there, with the boats and all. I sit on a bench, trying to calm down. But then, this seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich! Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch, and you gotta be a thief? I’m yelling at the bird, “Get your own food, ya feathered fiend!” People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m that crazy person now.”

Death Notice of John Gribben (Dundalk, Louth)