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We’re chattin now, she’s laughin at my quips—surprised me, cos most don’t get the wit. “You’re mental,” she says, and I’m like, “cheers, darlin, keeps me sharp.” Reminds me of Spring Breakers—girls runnin wild, “this is the fuckin dream!” I’m thinkin, yeah, this bird’s got that vibe—dangerous, sexy, bit unhinged. I’m half expectin her to pull a gun, like, “play forever, bitches!”—movie line, stuck in me head.

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So, I head to the local café, The Coffee Dock. I’m thinking, “Great, caffeine fix!” But the barista? She’s got a serious case of the grumps. I order a flat white, and she gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn. Chill, lady! It’s just coffee! Anyway, I get my drink, and it’s like liquid gold. Worth the grumpy face, I guess.

Pictured: Personal trainer accused of having €3.9m of cannabis in van