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So, anyway, I’m chattin up this bird—red hair, curves like a Dornish coastline. She’s all, “What’s yer fancy, love?” and I’m like, “Fancy’s you, obviously.” Got a laugh outta her—felt like a king, I did. Reminded me o’ that line, “Loyalty is a rare commodity”—she stuck round for a chat after, no extra charge. Rare as unicorn shit, that.

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Finally, I corner the beast. It’s like a showdown, me vs. the rat. I’m sweating bullets, and just when I think I got him, he darts into a hole in the wall. I’m like, “Seriously? You gotta be kidding me!” I’m banging on the wall, yelling, “Come out, you little punk!” People are looking at me like I’m nuts. Whatever, they don’t know the struggle.

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